Sometimes Life Isn't Fair

I've written less and less lately. Need to take more pictures of Ella so that I can post more. This post isn't about Ella. It's about how unfair life is sometimes.

My new RE thinks there isn't much of a chance an IUI will ever work with my "disease". He wants us to jump into IVF. If only money fell out of the sky. Or better yet, insurance would cover it, but it doesn't and life is now unfair. I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that Ella may very well be an only child. I feel bad for her. Feel bad she may not have someone to play with growing up, no one to share in the joy of Santa coming at Christmas and no one to beat up on when they are playing with her toys.

My adhesion's are now getting worse and worse as time goes on because it's been almost 9 months since we've been pregnant or breastfeeding. We would've had a beautiful baby boy or girl next month. Life is unfair.

November is supposed to be a month where you say how thankful you are, and I am. I'm so very grateful and thankful for other things in my life such as Ella. I'm swimming in a sea of self pity right now and feel like I'm about to drown. I need time to digest what the RE has told me and make an informed decision about what we are going to do since this probably isn't going to happen spontaneously.

There will be pictures of Ella soon, promise.

Yes, I'm a shopper

Growing up, my mom and my (maternal) grandmother used to shop every other season for school clothes. My mom and grandma were so generous in what they would buy me and looking back on it, I'm so grateful to have had those new clothes to go back to school with. I felt cool and confident in my new kicks every year, or those new name brand jeans and that soft sweatshirt from the Gap.

Silly as it may seem, the highlight of my year was the smell of that Mall when I opened the doors, the newness of each store every year knowing that I had my mom and grandma with me, spending time doing something we all enjoyed doing and how much they enjoyed being with me. I felt like nothing could bother me, it was an escape if I had had a bad week with friends (junior high), or a bad test taking week at school, I just knew that this would make me feel jubilant, like nothing could bring me down.

My point? Ella makes me feel like this everyday. I wake up in the morning (sometimes very early) and think "it's a new day with my beautiful daughter". How lucky am I to have her in my life. She's my new "mall" and even when I'm wearing my WalMart jeans and my hair up in a bun because I just didn't have time to do it that morning, it doesn't matter. Being Ella's mom is like walking into a sweet smelling mall everyday. I hope her and I can continue this tradition with my mom.