Yes, I'm a shopper

Growing up, my mom and my (maternal) grandmother used to shop every other season for school clothes. My mom and grandma were so generous in what they would buy me and looking back on it, I'm so grateful to have had those new clothes to go back to school with. I felt cool and confident in my new kicks every year, or those new name brand jeans and that soft sweatshirt from the Gap.

Silly as it may seem, the highlight of my year was the smell of that Mall when I opened the doors, the newness of each store every year knowing that I had my mom and grandma with me, spending time doing something we all enjoyed doing and how much they enjoyed being with me. I felt like nothing could bother me, it was an escape if I had had a bad week with friends (junior high), or a bad test taking week at school, I just knew that this would make me feel jubilant, like nothing could bring me down.

My point? Ella makes me feel like this everyday. I wake up in the morning (sometimes very early) and think "it's a new day with my beautiful daughter". How lucky am I to have her in my life. She's my new "mall" and even when I'm wearing my WalMart jeans and my hair up in a bun because I just didn't have time to do it that morning, it doesn't matter. Being Ella's mom is like walking into a sweet smelling mall everyday. I hope her and I can continue this tradition with my mom.

Tears- October 15th

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Tonight at 7pm people are said to light a candle in remembrance of each loss they have suffered.
I'm crying inside wondering what could have been, but know that friends of mine have suffered far more losses. My heart aches for all of us.

Would you like to see some more pictures of Ella?

My friend Tracie is GREAT with Photoshop and Ella is a very good model, so I put the two together and this is what I got for ya

ELLA IS CUTE!

Please tell me what you think!

Why is she crying?

Don't let this little girl fool you.

She may have fussed

And may have screamed

She may have the most pitiful face you've ever seen

She really did have a good time at the apple orchard

And Another Cycle Bites the Dust

3 down, obviously no idea how many to go. You may not want to read on if you are trying for number one right now. I may piss you off.
We are only on the third cycle of trying after our m/c. Yes, it's only the third, but we only have 3 more before we need to make some serious decisions. Decisions that will affect Adam's, Ella's and my life forever. As I look at it right now, I have three options. 1) After cycle 6, line up an IUI (which my doctor has now approved because I have proven that I can have uterine pregnancies, but only gives us like a 3% greater chance of conceiving because it's basically a sperm wash with no injectibles. Just Clomid or Metformin and the IUI. 2) Go back on Lupron Therapy until we can save up enough for IVF or 3) Try and find a job with fertility benefits (this will be the most challenging feat yet.)
Option number 3 leaves me thinking, was I totally crazy to give up my IF benefits with my last job? After all this, actually getting pregnant spontaneously twice, am I going to need that 25 grand that I stupidly gave up?!?! As it is IUI's aren't cheap, but they sure aren't 15 grand a pop.

I'm also a bit tired of having to defend myself when it comes to wanting another child. "At least you have Ella" says the person with 2 or 3 or 4 children. I want to be just as ignorant as the person saying it by exclaiming "DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW I'M THE LUCKIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD TO HAVE HAD ELLA, SHE IS A MIRACLE AND I AM SO THANKFUL FOR HER EVERYDAY!!!", instead of nodding shamelessly. Does infertility mean that you have to change your mind about how many children you would like? ABSOLUTELY NOT! If anything, I want another child to GIVE to Ella. As she grows up I want her to have someone to play and laugh with. I don't want to be seen as being greedy, because I really don't feel like I am.

I'm praying that this is our cycle, mine along with a few other couples who have been trying to successful pregnancies for a while. Cheers to this being our cycle, folks!!!