Friday, October 2, 2009

And Another Cycle Bites the Dust

3 down, obviously no idea how many to go. You may not want to read on if you are trying for number one right now. I may piss you off.
We are only on the third cycle of trying after our m/c. Yes, it's only the third, but we only have 3 more before we need to make some serious decisions. Decisions that will affect Adam's, Ella's and my life forever. As I look at it right now, I have three options. 1) After cycle 6, line up an IUI (which my doctor has now approved because I have proven that I can have uterine pregnancies, but only gives us like a 3% greater chance of conceiving because it's basically a sperm wash with no injectibles. Just Clomid or Metformin and the IUI. 2) Go back on Lupron Therapy until we can save up enough for IVF or 3) Try and find a job with fertility benefits (this will be the most challenging feat yet.)
Option number 3 leaves me thinking, was I totally crazy to give up my IF benefits with my last job? After all this, actually getting pregnant spontaneously twice, am I going to need that 25 grand that I stupidly gave up?!?! As it is IUI's aren't cheap, but they sure aren't 15 grand a pop.

I'm also a bit tired of having to defend myself when it comes to wanting another child. "At least you have Ella" says the person with 2 or 3 or 4 children. I want to be just as ignorant as the person saying it by exclaiming "DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW I'M THE LUCKIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD TO HAVE HAD ELLA, SHE IS A MIRACLE AND I AM SO THANKFUL FOR HER EVERYDAY!!!", instead of nodding shamelessly. Does infertility mean that you have to change your mind about how many children you would like? ABSOLUTELY NOT! If anything, I want another child to GIVE to Ella. As she grows up I want her to have someone to play and laugh with. I don't want to be seen as being greedy, because I really don't feel like I am.

I'm praying that this is our cycle, mine along with a few other couples who have been trying to successful pregnancies for a while. Cheers to this being our cycle, folks!!!


Diana said...

I am so sorry this cycle didn't work, good luck on the next one!

BTW, I hear ya on wanting #2!!! Not selfish at all!

Annie said...

Thank you for your post about feeling you have to defend yourself for wanting another child. I'm right there with you. I have two children who were followed by two late losses. I can't believe the comments I get from people just because I'm trying again for a live baby and a happy ending. Hope this month brings you good luck and the #2 you want just as desperately as you wanted #1.