Growing like a weed!

Ella continues to grow up (obviously)and seems to be progressing rapidly with her physical movement. Although she isn't crawling, she is pulling herself up to a standing position and *almost* walking. She's always been very strong with her legs, since day one wanting to stand up.
We had her 9 month check up this week. She is 27.25 inches and 17.4 pounds. 50th percentile for height and 25th for weight. She isn't quite where she needs to be for weight, so the pediatrician suggested feeding her table food. While we won't feed her everything, it's been funny watching her try new things. On that list of new foods is Kiwi, watermelon, cantaloupe, pasta, hummus, egg whites which were hard boiled (not yolks of course), cheerios, baby puffs, and we even gave her a taste of a pickle that she for sure didn't want to let go of. The only things she didn't seem to take to very well are the egg whites and pasta. We will keep working on pasta because it's quick and easy.
Ella also needs to take a visit to the eye doctor because one of her eyes appears to be a bit lazy. The ped said that it's probably going to just correct itself, but just in case, we should go to the eye doctor for an appointment. Better safe than sorry.
Only two pictures this week because my camera upload thingy isn't working and I had to upload a different, slower way. These pictures are of her standing by herself and her first taste of hummus and wheat wrap!

Some happy pictures:)

Haven't done this in a while, so here are some pics!

5 days post-op

I'm feeling pretty miserable, I'm not going to lie. Dealing with all the physical and mental aspects at the same time is difficult to say the least. I have lots of discomfort in my digestive area and pain near my ribs where my gallbladder used to be and funnily (not really) on the other side too. I can't eat much or I feel overly full.
The D+E part of the surgery just left me with an empty feeling that I can't describe. The physical pain of it is minimal in comparison.
Adam has been SO great about taking care of everything around here with Ella and housework. Today was the first day he went back to work and it's been hard, Ella is such a good baby, but even good babies have rough times during the day and physically I just can't keep up with her right now, luckily, my mom is coming at 3 after she gets out of work and is taking Ella until Adam can pick her up after work.
I'm going to call the doctor today and ask him if the physical pain I'm feeling is normal because it sure doesn't feel like it. I've had laps before and the pain is not like this. It's a different body part, so maybe that's it.
Tomorrow is a new day....

Trying hard to stay positive

Yesterday was surgery. Waking up from the procedure was the most pain I've ever felt. Knowing that I had just lost a baby and had my gallbladder out at the same time, my whole body was in so much pain I couldn't move.
Right now, I can't even explain how depressed I am about the whole thing. There are no words to express the mental anguish I had over this surgery. I didn't want the baby physically "vacuumed" from my body. At this point, I didn't have an option though. The doctor said I was risking infection and this was the best time. What I had done was a D&E. A D&E is a vacuuming of whatever is inside your uterus. It is the same controversial procedure as an abortion, but as the doctor explained to me, it IS NOT an abortion. Just let me make this clear because it's something I was really struggling with and part of why I didn't want the procedure done. We knew 110% that this baby was not going to survive and that there was no growth. He said that an abortion is when there is some sort of chance that the baby is healthy and going to survive.
A D&C is what some people do when the baby has partially passed, but the rest needs to be scraped from the lining. I couldn't consider this procedure because I still had everything in me including the sac and the fetal pole, but it was still measuring 6w3d at about 9 or 10 weeks gestation.
I guess to some extent this will provide some closure for Adam and I, but for right now, I just feel empty and miserable. I know this feeling will get better, as for now, I'm taking it one hour at a time.
Thank goodness Adam was ok'ed to take as much time off from work as he needed to. His place of work is very understanding when it comes to helping family out in times of need. I'm not allowed to pick Ella up right now because of my gallbladder so I don't know what I would do without him and his support. I couldn't ask for more. My mom has also been there by my side as much as she can be too. The girls on the baby board I frequent are helping me so much, without their support, this would be very difficult. Of course I get my strength from Ella, I try to be happier for her.
Regardless of what other people say (even if they are just trying to be supportive), this isn't about getting pregnant again, about "God's Way" of telling us something, or what was "meant to be", this is about losing a baby that I was once pregnant with.
I hope that future posts are more uplifting than this one, but for right now, I'm trying to heal from the mental and physical pain I am feeling. Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive, I couldn't do it without you.

A very bad week

As everyone who reads my blog knows, Adam and I have been trying to conceive again. Well, we were lucky enough to get pregnant on the first try. Something I never thought in my wildest dreams would happen. We found out on April 2nd and didn't want to tell everyone until we were out of the woods.
Looking, back, it was stupid that I didn't post it on this blog. After all, that's what this blog is about. Fertility.
Last week we went to what was supposed to be my 8 week u/s and there was no longer a heartbeat. We are devastated. This is something that happens to everyone else, not us. So I am currently waiting to miscarry by choice. I could get a D&C, but there are two reasons I'm not going to do that right now. There is about a .05% chance that the baby is viable. Although not a very good chance, I don't want to think about the what ifs. We have a follow up u/s tomorrow and if the baby hasn't grown, I will think about a D&C. The other reason I am not going that route right now is to have some kind of closure.
I will update soon.