Thursday, May 14, 2009

Trying hard to stay positive

Yesterday was surgery. Waking up from the procedure was the most pain I've ever felt. Knowing that I had just lost a baby and had my gallbladder out at the same time, my whole body was in so much pain I couldn't move.
Right now, I can't even explain how depressed I am about the whole thing. There are no words to express the mental anguish I had over this surgery. I didn't want the baby physically "vacuumed" from my body. At this point, I didn't have an option though. The doctor said I was risking infection and this was the best time. What I had done was a D&E. A D&E is a vacuuming of whatever is inside your uterus. It is the same controversial procedure as an abortion, but as the doctor explained to me, it IS NOT an abortion. Just let me make this clear because it's something I was really struggling with and part of why I didn't want the procedure done. We knew 110% that this baby was not going to survive and that there was no growth. He said that an abortion is when there is some sort of chance that the baby is healthy and going to survive.
A D&C is what some people do when the baby has partially passed, but the rest needs to be scraped from the lining. I couldn't consider this procedure because I still had everything in me including the sac and the fetal pole, but it was still measuring 6w3d at about 9 or 10 weeks gestation.
I guess to some extent this will provide some closure for Adam and I, but for right now, I just feel empty and miserable. I know this feeling will get better, as for now, I'm taking it one hour at a time.
Thank goodness Adam was ok'ed to take as much time off from work as he needed to. His place of work is very understanding when it comes to helping family out in times of need. I'm not allowed to pick Ella up right now because of my gallbladder so I don't know what I would do without him and his support. I couldn't ask for more. My mom has also been there by my side as much as she can be too. The girls on the baby board I frequent are helping me so much, without their support, this would be very difficult. Of course I get my strength from Ella, I try to be happier for her.
Regardless of what other people say (even if they are just trying to be supportive), this isn't about getting pregnant again, about "God's Way" of telling us something, or what was "meant to be", this is about losing a baby that I was once pregnant with.
I hope that future posts are more uplifting than this one, but for right now, I'm trying to heal from the mental and physical pain I am feeling. Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive, I couldn't do it without you.


allisyn said...

I'm praying for you guys. For mental, emotional, and physical healing. :) I'm so sorry for your loss

Nic said...

wishing you a speedy recovery. so sorry for your loss. x

Ava said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry.
>--- BIIIIIG hugs! ---<

My Endo Journey said...

Sending comforting and healing thoughts your way. I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. :(

Alex said...

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Hugs and prayers to you for a speedy recovery and emotional healing!!!

Mike Hussey said...

Doctors don't know what causes infertility in about half the cases in men, but think many men's infertility problems may be rooted in their genes.