Thursday, March 12, 2009

Back on the wagon

Well, if you read my blog enough, you know that we are "back on the wagon", or trying again.

And I'm petrified. It seems as if I want it more this time than last time. Part of me thinks it's because I know what I'd be missing out on if I didn't get to experience this again. The other part of me doesn't want to think it's because of that; it's unfair to those who haven't even had one child because of infertility. So many feelings going on inside my head. I have guilt for feeling this way at all, empathy for those who struggle to become pregnant.
I'm upset because part of me feels like I should be happy enough with having Ella who I love and cherish. Is this greed or is this something infertility causes in the first place? No one should have to feel guilty for wanting more children, but I do.
Adam and I have struggled far less than a lot of infertile couples, but it plays such a huge role in our lives. I feel myself getting back into that thought process of "when do I ovulate?", "when's a good time to do "BD"", "I'm dreading having my period because I know it means it didn't work again", "do I go on clomid or wait it out". It's like my life revolves around infertility.
I just thought I would share. I'm sorry if it upsets some people who read my blog and are currently trying for their first. My words are not meant to downplay any current or past struggles others have had. Nobody should have to deal with this situation.


Melissa Ralston said...


I think that your conflicting feelings are absolutely normal for those of us who struggle with fertility issues. So many of these ladies will not be able to have a single biological child, and since we can identify well with their fears of never being able to do so, we feel that much more guilty when we have success.

Society still places a lot of emphasis on family, so much so that I know many women start to dream of their "future family" from a young age, including the topic of children. I can't count how many times I have been told before "just wait until you have children of your own" as I was growing up. It was never even a conceived thought that that statement wouldn't be able to be a reality. I dream of having 4 children, something that realistically I know may not happen. I have had several miscarriages and my one (so far) successful pregnancy was a nightmare of complications.

I find myself struggling with the same conflict as you right now. I am nearing 10 weeks of being pregnant and feel horrible that while others still struggle, I will likely be lucky enough to have child #2 become a reality. I have gotten some hurtful comments such as "Why can't you be satisfied with the one that you have?" but why should we have to abandon our dreams and desires just to be "more sensitive" to others?

Just my two cents... Good luck with everything!

Evelyn said...

I believe that your feelings are normal and you should not stress out about them. It is alright to want more children and anyone else who tells you otherwise probably hasn't gone through the same experience as yourself. Therefore that person can not give good advice because they do not understand what you are going through.

DH and I have been seriously ttc again since last September and so far no luck, however we hope this month we will have a BFP.

I hope that everything works out for you and want only the best things in life for anyone who is ttc. Take care and good luck.

Nic said...

It doesnt upset me. The way you are feeling is normal, of course you would want anoter one, why stop at one if there is a chance of another. I think you should be so happy and grateful to have Ella but that souldnt stop your hopes and dreams of anoter child. good luck!