Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Exhausted to say the least

Adam and I are feeling completely exhausted lately with Ella waking up at 5am now. She used to have a bottle and go right back to sleep, but she either cries or talks to herself (which we can hear from our bedroom) after we put her back to bed. When she cries, I get up with her for the day, if she's talking to herself, I try and go back to sleep. Adam has to get up for work by 6:15am anyhow, so he is just plain exhausted with me.
I was doing a bit better with the loss of our most recent baby, but I think it's catching up to me and every day I wish I were still pregnant. I would've been in the safe zone at this point and that's hard to think about. I was watching an episode of the Duggars (18 and Counting) where Anna Duggar (the oldest's Duggars wife) was going for one of her first maternity check ups and I felt a twinge of jealousy. I'm jealous of a Duggar?
Yes, I know, I have experienced it before, but in my head, I keep thinking about the "would've beens and should've beens. I don't care what anyone says, early losses are very hard. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that this baby didn't survive for one reason or the other. I keep racking my brain on what I could've done differently. I know it wasn't my fault because I would never have done anything intentionally, but I'm one of those types who needs a reason. The doctor says you usually have to have 3 losses for them to take the baby and test it. I'm not sure I could stand another one without knowing.
Next time we get pregnant, I am taking every precaution I can. The doctor says that I can start progesterone supplements as well as taking betas (which they would've done anyhow) to make sure my progesterone level is high enough to sustain a pregnancy. He said there is no harm in doing this. Then, in the back of my head, I worry about weak ovulation (which I have had in the past), even on Clomid, my P4 levels were 7.4. I asked him if Clomid were an option and he said yes, but you are at a greater chance of miscarriage while on it. I'll opt out of that for a few months, thank you.
I guess exhaustion can do many things to your head. I'm hoping to catch up on my sleep soon, hopefully it will get my head out of the clouds and put my feet back on the ground where they belong.


Nic said...

I am so sorry about your loss, just because it was an early loss does not mean it is any less signficant, or any easy to deal with. I really hope that your sleep catches up with you!

My Endo Journey said...

I am sorry for your loss too. I don't care how "early' it is, it still sucks!!!!! And, you are totally allowed to be sad and grieve! Hoping you will find peace and rest soon. :)

Nic said...

Thank you for your support and advice about progesterone supplements. Thankfully no major headaches at the moment but is early days! It is good to know that you have been through what I will be going through and you have the most beautiful baby at the end of it all. Gives me some hope
Nic x