Holiday Season

I'm not sure many of you even read my blog anymore since I don't update it often enough to check in a lot. This holiday season has seemed to go by so fast. Ella is growing like a weed, saying all sorts of words now and surprises us with words we don't even know how she learned (nothing profane, I promise;P) I've had so much fun shopping for her this year. I think she will appreciate all her gifts even if she doesn't quite understand.
We're hoping for a baby in 2010. We are praying we are lucky enough to get pregnant that quickly. Ella is going to be such a great big sister. She is so loving and caring to everyone around her. She doesn't hit or pinch, she does voice her opinion, but is not physical. When she sees babies, she gently touches them and says "oooohhh, baby". Not sure if that will change in the future with a little baby brother or sister, but we shall see (hopefully).

Here are some pictures of her Christmas photo shoot!

Ella making farm noises:)

So we're going ahead with an IUI

This is our "informed" decision I was babbling about in my last blog entry. I guess it's about the only choice we have left. I'm not feeling very hopeful. The RE thinks it isn't going to work, but is going to humor us. Which means another round of awful Clomid.
It would've been two years ago we found out about Ella at Christmas season. Would we really be lucky enough to find out again? This holiday season is going to be a bit tough. We should've had two babies enjoying Christmas with us, and now I don't feel hopeful that we will ever have two.

On another note, my very dear blogging friend lost her dear dear Wyatt at 18 weeks gestation a couple of weeks ago and I ask that you send good thoughts and prayers her way...

The Holiday Season

I love the holidays. They are so much fun. They are even more fun with Ella. We enjoyed our Thanksgiving so much!! Family fun, and the first ever Gardiner/Nielsen Triathalon. Kylee won. It consisted of a game of PIG, then Uno, and trivia. Adam hosted and Ella was the mascot. there are some pictures. Oh, and some pictures of Ella getting messy from Thanksgiving Dinner and her bath afterward:)

Sometimes Life Isn't Fair

I've written less and less lately. Need to take more pictures of Ella so that I can post more. This post isn't about Ella. It's about how unfair life is sometimes.

My new RE thinks there isn't much of a chance an IUI will ever work with my "disease". He wants us to jump into IVF. If only money fell out of the sky. Or better yet, insurance would cover it, but it doesn't and life is now unfair. I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that Ella may very well be an only child. I feel bad for her. Feel bad she may not have someone to play with growing up, no one to share in the joy of Santa coming at Christmas and no one to beat up on when they are playing with her toys.

My adhesion's are now getting worse and worse as time goes on because it's been almost 9 months since we've been pregnant or breastfeeding. We would've had a beautiful baby boy or girl next month. Life is unfair.

November is supposed to be a month where you say how thankful you are, and I am. I'm so very grateful and thankful for other things in my life such as Ella. I'm swimming in a sea of self pity right now and feel like I'm about to drown. I need time to digest what the RE has told me and make an informed decision about what we are going to do since this probably isn't going to happen spontaneously.

There will be pictures of Ella soon, promise.

Yes, I'm a shopper

Growing up, my mom and my (maternal) grandmother used to shop every other season for school clothes. My mom and grandma were so generous in what they would buy me and looking back on it, I'm so grateful to have had those new clothes to go back to school with. I felt cool and confident in my new kicks every year, or those new name brand jeans and that soft sweatshirt from the Gap.

Silly as it may seem, the highlight of my year was the smell of that Mall when I opened the doors, the newness of each store every year knowing that I had my mom and grandma with me, spending time doing something we all enjoyed doing and how much they enjoyed being with me. I felt like nothing could bother me, it was an escape if I had had a bad week with friends (junior high), or a bad test taking week at school, I just knew that this would make me feel jubilant, like nothing could bring me down.

My point? Ella makes me feel like this everyday. I wake up in the morning (sometimes very early) and think "it's a new day with my beautiful daughter". How lucky am I to have her in my life. She's my new "mall" and even when I'm wearing my WalMart jeans and my hair up in a bun because I just didn't have time to do it that morning, it doesn't matter. Being Ella's mom is like walking into a sweet smelling mall everyday. I hope her and I can continue this tradition with my mom.

Tears- October 15th

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Tonight at 7pm people are said to light a candle in remembrance of each loss they have suffered.
I'm crying inside wondering what could have been, but know that friends of mine have suffered far more losses. My heart aches for all of us.

Would you like to see some more pictures of Ella?

My friend Tracie is GREAT with Photoshop and Ella is a very good model, so I put the two together and this is what I got for ya

ELLA IS CUTE!

Please tell me what you think!

Why is she crying?

Don't let this little girl fool you.

She may have fussed

And may have screamed

She may have the most pitiful face you've ever seen

She really did have a good time at the apple orchard

And Another Cycle Bites the Dust

3 down, obviously no idea how many to go. You may not want to read on if you are trying for number one right now. I may piss you off.
We are only on the third cycle of trying after our m/c. Yes, it's only the third, but we only have 3 more before we need to make some serious decisions. Decisions that will affect Adam's, Ella's and my life forever. As I look at it right now, I have three options. 1) After cycle 6, line up an IUI (which my doctor has now approved because I have proven that I can have uterine pregnancies, but only gives us like a 3% greater chance of conceiving because it's basically a sperm wash with no injectibles. Just Clomid or Metformin and the IUI. 2) Go back on Lupron Therapy until we can save up enough for IVF or 3) Try and find a job with fertility benefits (this will be the most challenging feat yet.)
Option number 3 leaves me thinking, was I totally crazy to give up my IF benefits with my last job? After all this, actually getting pregnant spontaneously twice, am I going to need that 25 grand that I stupidly gave up?!?! As it is IUI's aren't cheap, but they sure aren't 15 grand a pop.

I'm also a bit tired of having to defend myself when it comes to wanting another child. "At least you have Ella" says the person with 2 or 3 or 4 children. I want to be just as ignorant as the person saying it by exclaiming "DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW I'M THE LUCKIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD TO HAVE HAD ELLA, SHE IS A MIRACLE AND I AM SO THANKFUL FOR HER EVERYDAY!!!", instead of nodding shamelessly. Does infertility mean that you have to change your mind about how many children you would like? ABSOLUTELY NOT! If anything, I want another child to GIVE to Ella. As she grows up I want her to have someone to play and laugh with. I don't want to be seen as being greedy, because I really don't feel like I am.

I'm praying that this is our cycle, mine along with a few other couples who have been trying to successful pregnancies for a while. Cheers to this being our cycle, folks!!!

Ella wants to be in a Baby Gap ad!!

Can you please help her out?!? You just need to hit vote (on all the pictures) and register. It seriously takes about 60 seconds to register. Adam, Ella, and I would appreciate the votes and if you can forward the link off to everyone you know that would be great! Thanks!

https://family.go.com/gapcastingcall/entries/christakim32/432979764/

https://family.go.com/gapcastingcall/entries/christakim32/392979942/

AND the pain is ON!! And other happenings..

This morning was the first real day of pain, CD13 and I feel like my stomach is going to explode from all the bloat. I'm breaking out pretty badly, I woke up with a huge cyst under my arm that is fairly painful, not sure if that's from the Clomid too, but it's never happened before.
To add insult to injury, I have to sit at training for 6.5 hours and it's till 11pm, so I'm almost falling asleep in my chair because Ella gets up at 6am, so by the time I get home, I'm really only getting about 6 hours of broken sleep. This week could not end fast enough. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I have to work 5-midnight. I'm going to be no good throughout the day. Ella is such a good toddler, I couldn't ask for better, but I'm sure she could ask for a more awake, playful mommy. Can you tell I'm STRESSED!?! I'm probably crazy to want to add another baby to the mix.

Ella's One Year Stats

We went to the pedi for Ella's one year well appointment today. She got three shots, none of which were the flu shot because they don't have those in yet. She got her MMR, chickenpox, and Hep B. She was NOT a happy camper. I felt awful as the tears rolled down her face.
In more happy news, Ella is doing great, she is 29.5 inches tall and 20lbs 2oz. She is in the 50th percentile for height and 25th for weight. Our new pedi is wonderful and had no concerns about her weight.
Her eyes were checked again and she saw no cross eyedness whatsoever and told me to just keep an "eye" on it. The doctor said to give her some milk of magnesia to help with her bowel issues that I haven't addressed in this blog, but she has a hard time getting her poops out. It involves a lot of screaming and pain for Ella. I feel so helpless when it happens because there is nothing I can do besides give her a suppository which isn't comfortable for her either.
Adam and I are very thankful and grateful that we have a happy, healthy one year old:)

On Clomid And Fearing The Pain

Adam and I decided to try a couple of rounds of Clomid before we try more drastic measures in an effort to try for number 2. Haven't really noticed the side effects yet, but I'm also only on day 4 of taking it. Tomorrow is the last day and really, I'm not sure when I'm going to ovulate this cycle because Clomid can make those who ovulate on time (but weak) ovulate later like on CD 17 or 18.
A warning to everyone I know, stay away from me from day 14-18 because the pain is going to be bad, or at least it was last time. ............
I will keep updating with symptoms as they persist!

A Blogger Got Me Thinking

So one of my blogging friends has gotten pregnant (yay!!!! I'm so excited for her) and she has decided to keep her blog the way it is, about endo and her struggles with it. She is going to make another blog about pregnancy as not to offend or hurt anyone who is having a difficult time getting pregnant. I had put a lot of thought about whether or not I should do that with this blog, not just for that reason, but also because it tends to get confusing about what I'm blogging about. Trying to conceive number 2, endo, and lots about Ella. But what about those people who come to read about endo or just come to read about Ella?? I'm taking a vote and would really like to hear your honest opinion. I'm re-evaluating this situation as we try to conceive number 2 and really really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings especially those having problems with number 1. I would like some honest input!!

Happy Birthday To You!!

Here are some pictures of Ella's first birthday!! We all had a great time:)

Ella's Got Some New PJ's

Ella is ONE!!!!

She's not even walking yet....

And I found her like this after 2 seconds of leaving the room....
Something tells me this parenting thing doesn't get any easier.

A Few More Pics from Camp!

One Lovely Blog Award

I was given a Lovely Blogger Award from Kim . This requires that I list the blogs which I think are great!! Here we go, they are all linked so enjoy!
Diana
Kim
Another Kim (the one who have me the award)
My Journey with Endometriosis
Ava
Christina
Pregnant, How did you Do that?
Mrs.Reem
The Hernandez Trio
Alex
Nic
P

2 weeks of pictures and LOTS of milestones

There are so many things I'd like to write tonight and I hope I remember all of them. Ella has reached many milestones including....

-Her first real word "Uh Oh", followed by "Hi" sometimes, "Num Num" when she wants food and she says "Mumma" and "Dada" whenever we ask her to. She tries to copy almost everything we tell her to say. I think we have one smart cookie on our hands.

-Her first tooth popped through about a week ago. 102.7 temp=a child I thought was very sick. The pedi swore up and down it couldn't just be teething. It was just teething. She was so cuddly though. She fell asleep on me at least twice that day. Poor baby.

-She's been cruising the furniture for about 2 weeks now. She is *almost* walking. She has finally taken to crawling like a champ. Before that she was dragging herself 100 miles an hour.

-I guess this isn't really a new milestone, but she has been clapping and "dancing" to childrens music. She LOVES it. It's the only way to calm her down in the car on long car trips.

-She continues to eat almost everything you give her except for potatoes. I don't think that's a big deal, there isn't all that many nutrients in potatoes.

Ella is such a good baby, well now, almost toddler. I sent her birthday invitations out today. It's so sad to know that she isn't a baby anymore. But I'm so happy she is the happy, healthy, beautiful little girl I always dreamed I would have. I can't believe she has been in our lives for a whole year now. People always say it and I never believed it would go by so fast.

A couple of weeks ago we took a trip to York (Where Adam and I were happily wed) to visit a couple of very special people. Two women from my Success After Infertility board and their miracle babies. 3 miracles in such a close vicinity. What a happy day. It was so nice to meet P and D and their beautiful babies Ginny and Kacey. Here are some pictures of the day. It was so beautiful and P's place is right on the water.
Kacey feeding Ella crackers. She's so generous.

It wasn't easy getting a group photo. This is Kacey being very helpful again!

In other news, my parents had a great camp for the week and Adam, Ella, and I enjoyed so much being out there everyday. Last year, I was out there 8.5 months pregnant, swimming weightlessly praying for Ella to come out and this year here she is!! She didn't like the water very much, but we tried as much as we could to get her some exposure to the water.
This is Ella giving Mumma some attitude. I should probably get used to it.

And to end this post. The infamous first tooth picture that was pure torture for baby and Mumma to get.

Attention All Lurkers

Ella would like YOU to come out of lurkism!!! Please comment and tell me what you think about updates about Ella, my endometriosis and what you would like to see more of! I know there are lots of you out there and we LOVE to hear comments:)

Instead of "Not ME" Monday this week, Mckmama is hosting "Not MY CHILD" Monday. It is a chance to tell stories about the embarrassing or naughty things your child has done at inappropriate times.

My child is only but 11 months old and has yet to really embarrass me. She DOES however have the bad habit of NOT pulling down mommy's shirt when she wants to climb to a standing position. Luckily we were at home, but yesterday she did NOT pull the whole top down.

Just today, Ella did NOT climb up on the tv stand when mumma wasn't looking and lick the tv, then did NOT proceed to take one of her hair elastics, stick it in her mouth and chew it until mumma figured out that she had something she wasn't supposed to.

Geez, if she can accomplish all that in one week at 11 months, I wonder how much damage she is going to be able to do in the future. I can't wait to see!!

My new Etsy store!

Please check out my new Etsy store! It'll have many more products as I get going!

CharmedJewels

"Not Me! Monday"

As people have read in my preceding post, Ella has been teething! This Not Me! Monday I'd like to take the chance to show you what I DID NOT let Ella take a nap in this morning. It IS NOT a pile of her teething drool from last night. What kind of mom would I be if I let my child sleep in her own drool?!? And guess what?!? She may even NOT nap in it this afternoon!

We've got teeth!

Yes, folks, Ella is almost 11 months old and ALMOST has two teeth. I imagine by morning they will be poking all the way through. Miss Ella was not afraid to let us (and the neighbors) know that she is teething. The minute we felt her teeth, we gave her some tylenol. She was rubbing her ears all day, and also her eyes, so we figured it was pooping her out. Well, BIG mistake. Everytime we tried to put her down in her crib, she would WAIL! Finally, I gave her some cherry Orajel and she put her blanket over her head and went to sleep. For an hour. One nap all day=7 O'clock bedtime for baby Ella. I'll try to get some pictures tomorrow, but her huge tongue always gets in the way.

She's a swingin' and a wavin'

This is Ella's new favorite thing to do. Swing and wave at the same time!

On the #2 baby front....

Adam and I are still benched when it comes to makin' babies. We benched ourselves to recuperate from our recent loss.
Good news is, I finish my last packet of birth control pills at the end of this month. From there, we are hoping that nature will help us out again this time and there will be no need for medical intervention. We will try unmedicated for 3 months, but knowing that we have underlying issues, will probably jump on the Clomid wagon on the fourth cycle.
My message to Clomid:Ahhh, Clomid, how I LOOOOOOOOOATH you. You nasty, make me feel nauseous, crampy, bloated, wanting to reach my arms down my throat and pull my ovary out and throw it into the woods piece of trash that you are. But you could help get me pregnant, and for that I am grateful. Still think you had something to do with Ella being conceived even though I took you the cycle before.
Nevertheless, here's to jumping back on the wagon!!!

Oh the tricks she has learned

Ella has recently learned to do many things. She can now clap, hold her bottle, fish kiss, wave and say hi (I believe discriminately), Mumma (indiscriminately), and lastly, she has severe attachment issues with Mumma. I leave the room and OH MAN, do I pay the price. This means not getting housework done and when I do, I do it with her crying in her playpen 15 minutes at a time. I hope she outgrows that soon. How could I ever get upset though, looking into those big blue eyes......nah, I can't ;)

YAY BABYCAKES!!

Patriotic Babycakes.

Our 4th of July was very rainy, so we opted out of going to the parade and fair this year. The fireworks still happened, but were too late for Ella to stay out. We figured she would be crankier than normal if she stayed up that late and then heard loud, scary booms. We did, however, have a bbq at my parents house. Ella enjoyed some homemade macaroni salad with noodles, peas, eggs, and tuna. I have yet to find a food this girl doesn't love. She is a bottomless pit when it comes to tablefoods. Her absolute favorite is any type of fruit. Her and I shared an apple today and, man, did she get CRANKY if I didn't shovel it in fast enough. If only I could get Adam to eat like her. But I digress. Here are some pictures of this sweet, patriotic, baby, thanks to Grandma Pat and Grandaddy Jann.

"Not Me" Monday!

"Not Me" Monday has a new look. Pretty cool, huh?
This past week has been rainy, very rainy. No going outside and playing, or swimming in the baby pool (not that Ella would allow that)so we have been playing inside with toys, trying to accomplish some cleaning and of course, watching tv. Yes, this past week, I certainly did NOT let my darling child sit this close to the tv, because that would be very bad for her.

Not Me Monday!

Good Monday All!!!! This is my official LAST COUPLE OF DAYS OF WORK!!! After working my last 7 day stretch ever I have NOT quit my job. I will not be going to school to become a CNA and eventually an RN. I am not more excited about this than *almost* anything else I have ever been excited about in my life! I do NOT get to be a SAHM for about 2 months before I start classes. I will not be taking Ella to the park and baby pool and Grandmas house during the day. I will not be getting projects done that I had no time to do before.

This not me Monday is brought to you by a picture of Ella in her earlier days rooting the Red Sox on. We have NOT already made her a Sox fan!