I'm Pregnant!!!

BFP!!!!! I cannot believe I'm typing this! I've had AF cramps for 5 days now and thought for sure that I was going to have my period. With no bleeding, I decided to take a trip to WalMart last night. I got a package that had two pregnancy tests just incase one came out negative.

I got home, feeling for sure that it was going to be a negative test. Sure enough, 5 seconds after I peed on the stick, it was positive. Not just one of those faint positives, but it was ULTRA CLEAR!!!! I started screaming and crying and Adam came and hugged me and we jumped and I cried and shook. We were both in disbelief.

We immediately went over my parents house to tell my mom and Dad. My mom was laying down in bed and we had my dad come in from the living room. I just blurted out, "I'm Pregnant!" My mom instantly started shaking and crying and my Dad was just so happy.

Of course my sisters needed to know cause they thought something else was going on. So I had Paige go in the basement so I could tell Britt and her at the same time. They were so happy and we hugged forever. Unfortunately Kylee wasn't home, but I will tell her tomorrow.

Adam and I have beaten all the odds. I have stage IV endometriosis. I had a 15-20% chance to get pregnant with endometriosis. I had a half of an ovary taken out in April and my tube was damaged beyond repair. I cannot tell you what a miracle this is. I am so thankful.

Now we have to play the waiting game and find out if this is a viable pregnancy or not. I'm hoping because I have had absolutely no bleeding that it is. The only other symptoms I've had is slight dizziness, sore boobs, and pretty bad cramping in my uterus.

Please keep me in your thoughts! I'm hoping this is real for us. This was our last chance opportunity to have a baby before IVF next month. I am so thankful to not have to go through IVF.

I'm not sure how far along I am because we were on a break this month before fertility treatments, I can't remember the start date of my last period.

Finally, at peace for a little

My ob/gyn called me last week to talk about my test results because he knew that I wasn't happy with my 7.3 progesterone level at 7dpo. At least he returns my calls, my RE doesn't.
He told me that all he was really looking for was a positive number and that upping my clomid does was going to make my body reverse the progress it had made with ovulating. Fine, I guess I'm at peace with this.
What' I'm not at peace with is the fact that my RE and RE nurse never return my phone calls. I wanted to call and check if it would suppress my endo to go on BCP's for a little before January's IVF. Well, thank goodness my ob/gyn cares enough to call. He doesn't know why they had suggested BCP's for me at all with the severity of my endo. It wouldn't do me any good. I told him that Adam and I decided to take a break for this cycle. We defiantly aren't preventing, but I'm not going on the Clomid again. I can't take another cycle of it. I want a drug free cycle before IVF.
The doc thinks it's a good idea. I was stressed to the max last month with the clomid. I felt naseaus and crampy and bloated and moody. Never again.
I feel better, physically this cycle. I don't feel like puking and I don't feel bloated. I do still feel moody, but what's an infertile to do?

7.3

That number is my progesterone level WITH meds. I ovulated a little. I apparently have not been ovulating off meds for the past 5 months.... wish the RE had cared enough to do extensive testing on me to see if I HAD been ovulating, so that I wouldn't have the heartache adam and I do right now for coming off lupron. Lupron, the drug that had been suppressing my endo up until I went off it 8 months ago, then had testing done and everything was AOK. They told me that I didn't need a p4 test seeing as though I had my period and it's "very rare" that you get your period and aren't ovulating. Guess the fertility specialist and her useless nurse have no idea what they are talking about.
I called the RE today and never got an answer back....why does that not surprise me. They always act so put out every time I call. Hopefully my ob/gyn will call back and tell me what he thinks I should do next cycle.
I just want to be pregnant.... I never thought it would be this hard.

Been a while since I've written, I would be surprised if anyone even checks out my blog anymore. It's been a really rough cycle on Clomid, I definately didn't know what my body was going to feel like each day when I woke up in the morning. I was mostly naseaus, which is the worse feeling of all. I can deal with the bloating and the enlarged ovaries. I can't deal with naseaus all that well especially when I'm working.
I tested yestarday at 12DPO and negative, today I woke up to AF. It's so unfair, it's unfair to me that a lot of us have to try so hard for what we want. I have one to two months before IVF.
I'm taking an unmedicated cycle before IVF this cycle. I need a chance to be happy and healthy before they hop me up on hormones. I'm sure my husband could use a break from me being whiny and hormonal. He's been such a blessing through all of this.
Anyways, I just have to keep telling myself that my time will come and that I have to move on and look foward to the next cycle. It's really hard to be positive, but Adam usually snaps me out of negative phases where I feel like crying all day about it.
Here's to next cycle.........even if it is unmedicated.

Haven't blogged in a while

I had to get this out tonight though. Our beloved cat of 5 years died today. We had to put him down due to heart failure. It was the second hardest thing we have ever had to do next to burying my grandparents. I think that God takes the good ones early. He knows that they are too good for this earth. It's so sad to think that we will never come home to his meow again, never fall asleep next to his purring, and will never see his shiny, orange coat again. We loved him more than life itself. He hung on as long as he could for us, trying to be strong, but there was only so much he and we could do. They say a loss of a pet is hard, but we didn't know it was going to be this difficult. This has been a day full of crying, praying and sorrow. MacGyver changed our lives dramatically, he helped us through difficult times and made us laugh until our faces hurt. There are no words to describe what this cat meant to us. Our "little man" is in heaven looking down on us, making sure to keep us safe. We'll post some pics when I'm on our other computer.

I wish I could fly

And leave this place sometimes, I'm full of disappointment and regret. I came off my lupron thinking that maybe, just maybe this was our time to make a baby. Another BFN (Big Fat Negative) today. AF is around the corner lurking her ugly head, taunting me.
I ran into a friend at the bank today. She just had a baby...she is 2 months pregnant with another now. I really am happy for her because she is happy. But how can I be truly happy for someone if I have doubts if i can ever have a child myself.
Then I get an invite to a baby shower today. It's like the whole world knows the day I test.
I am now wondering if it was the smartest thing in the world to come off lupron therapy before I do IVF....I know that I shouldn't regret because at the time I thought it was a good idea.
I'm so ready to be a mom.
I didn't get the promotion I applied for because the girl who originally had the job took it back. I feel like I'm at a dead end there. I can't wait to get my degree and become a nurse. I know that I have a true calling to become a neonatal nurse and help premature babies, babies who are sick and need extra care, and their parents.
Something has to go right soon, something...

August 20th....doesn't seem like I'm trying

Very hard to keep this blog up. Not much new happening. I think my body finally started to ovulate after 50 days of being off the stupid lupron therapy.
I just applied for a new position with my company and I'm crossing my fingers that they will hire me. I really thought that I would be a shoe in for the job, but I guess not since they posted it everywhere. I have my sales up and I haven't really done anything detrimentally wrong in the 9 months I've been there.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see though. So lets see...not much else to tell, we are going to Providence to visit the in-laws for Labor Day weekend, that should be fun, we suggested Providence because it seemed like there would be more to do there than the original destination of Springfield Mass.
Last week we almost had to go to the hospital because I had side splitting pains in my ovary. I called my ob/gyn to find out that he was on vacation and his colleague ended up having to call me. She was very nice and helpful, saying that a cyst probably burst. Although I did play devil's advocate and said that I've had one burst before and it felt nothing like that. She offered an ultrasound and I said that if the pain persisted that I would opt for one. It didn't, it kind of faded away the next day so that's good...ahhh the joys of endo.

My Mom:)

So I just want to take this oppurtunity and talk about my mom. She is the rock in my life. She understands me so well and has been helping me through my fertility situation. Yes there are some people who think it's weird that I am so open with my mom about the whole situation, but I have always been so close with her.
Every surgery, every appointment, every second of everyday she has been there for me through this whole process. It brings tears to my eyes to think I may never be able to give my mother a grandchild. I want more than anything in the world to give her that. And she wants more than anything in the world to be a grandmother to my children. What an awesome grandmother she is going to make! Just like my grandmother (her mother, who is now deceased) she will be there for my children as if they were her own. She will spoil them and play games with them, will have them sleep over, will be there for their birthdays, celebrations and be the best grandmother anyone could ever wish for.
My mom has had 6 kids, and even though she isn't going the infertility herself, she is going through this with me, she knows how badly I want children and what a good mother I'm going to be.
I cannot wait for the day that I can tell my mother she is going to be a grandmother. The day I can bring that joy into her life will be marked as one of the best days in my life.
If you read this mom, know that you are always the initial thought in my mind when I think about my unborn child. I will trust you with my child unconditionally and know that they will love you as much as they do me. I love you.

This is me being a lazy blogger

So I worked 12 days in a row before I had a day off recently so I sort of have an excuse for my lack of blogging.

Not much has happened recently, work is going 10 times better than it was before. I think I'm seeing eye to eye with my boss finally. I think she's starting to understand that there are a lot more things on my mind than working.

Ok, what else.......hmmm.....I want to say HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to my baby brother (who isn't really a baby anymore). Cameron has turned 11. There is 14 years difference between him and I and I think I get more emotional than my mom does with each birthday of his. He grew up too fast. It's weird to think that he is going to be an uncle soon (hopefully). Uncle Cammy.....WEIRD.

I can't think of anything productive to say...........so hope the rest of everyone's week goes well!!

Wow, have I been bad about blogging!

I promise, I won't let this go so long again.

Lots of things have happened. Adam and I went to a fertility specialist last week to find out what are options are. She said since we haven't officially started trying yet, that we need to give it a go for at least a few months and then come in for IVF. She said we don't have a "pretty picture" painted for us with my blocked tube and 1/2 ovary on the other side. This fertility specialist didn't seem to know a whole heck of a lot about us which was kind of unsettling in itself. My ob/gyn called after to see how the meeting went and agreed with most of what the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) said to me. I kind of wish he was the fertility specialist because he knows more about me than her and seems to care a lot more, but oh well, she seemed alright.

I'm so scared for my cycles to start back up just because of the pain I remember being in before the lupron, but it's kind of bitter sweet because Adam and I can officially start trying!

We looked at a house today, a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house in a nice neighboorhood. It was everything we wanted in a house, it was huge, and updated and perfect. But in the end, we decided to wait until our lease was up next June to seriously start looking. We don't have enough in savings in case something goes wrong, and we want to be really ready.

Well, I'm going to be a lot better about this from now on............I hope.

Christa

July 4th

I thought that I would take the time in this post to express why I feel lucky on this fourth of July. I feel that we are lucky as a country to be free, we can step out past our front yard (for the most part) and feel safe, unlike some 3rd world countries like Darfur where women are beaten and raped, where they can't vote and children are starving and don't have doctors to keep them healthy. Our country has clean water to drink and the vast majority of people have a place to stay and food on the table.

Thank you to all the families who are making sacrifices by having their family members overseas fighting for other countries' freedom. Thank you to all of those fighting. Even though I don't support the war effort, I support our troops.

I feel lucky personally because I have a loving husband who cares about me and is always there for me. I have a family down the road from me who I can visit anytime I want. I have a mother and father who care deeply about me and who are always there for me. I'm lucky because both my husband and I have job stability which means a roof over our heads and food on the table.

I feel most lucky today because I have the day off to spend with family!!!!

~Christa~

I don't know what I would do.......

I just watched a video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ. It made me cry. Well, almost everything makes me cry, but this was really sad. It was about couples who want to have babies and can't, it had real life cases and statistics.

It got me to thinking.....wonder if it never happens for us? What a depressing thought, I know, but I have to keep it in the back of my mind that I may never be able to have a child. 30-40% of endometriosis patients are infertile. What horrible odds!!!
What's next, adoption? Adam and I agreed that if we can't have kids, we probably wouldn't go the adoption route. We want a baby that has our genes, that has our blood and that I can carry for 9 months, experiencing the burdens and joys of being pregnant.

There are so many people who go out, get drunk, and have a one night stand and become pregnant......so it's really hard to think about people who want to have kids, have been trying cycle after cycle, using all the ovulation predictors and pregnancy tests, spending tons of cash on the best ones to make sure they are working.........and they can't get pregnant.

I know this is a depressing post, but I guess this is why I started this blog. To show people that endo is a REAL disease that affects so many lives, not with just the physical pain it causes, but the mental anguish.

HOT HOT HOT DAMN!!!! ITS HOT OUT

Alright, so I think this must've been the hottest day of the year so far, the humidity was horrible!!!
Adam and I had a softball game today, our team sucks and we had a consistant losing season of 0-5. Now we are done softball. I had a good catch at second base though.

My ovary starting bothering me at the beggining of the game, but I tried to ignore it since I can't really do anything about it. OK OK, only endo thing I'm going to talk about in this post.


Tonight was a laid back night, ate pizza and watched reruns of FRIENDS..(my favorite TV show ever) on the couch. Now I am just nesting on www.thenest.com and writing my blog. Oh, I forgot to mention, I chat a lot on instant messaging....it's a bad habit, but there could be worse....cough cough, smoking...cough cough, picking your nose and eating it.....

Hopefully tomorrow or over the weekend, I will have something more interesting to write.

Intro to ME:)

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Hey All,

I am the queen of starting things and never either 1)keeping up with them or 2) finishing them. So hopefully this time will be different. If you are reading this, you probably know me or want to get to know me, so a little background. My name is Christa , I'm 25 Years old, I live in Waterville, Maine with my husband, Adam and my 3 cats; Macgyver, Emma, and Gwen. We live in an apartment for the time being until the day comes we can no longer stand living in a small space and throwing our money away on rent. Oh yea, and there is that little issue of a downpayment for a house too:) I have 5 brothers and sisters, most of whom live just down the road about a 1/2 a mile. They're names are Corey, Brittany, Paige, Kylee, and Cameron. There is 14 years between Cammy and I, and, yes, we are all biologically related. In my spare time, I like to Nest at www.thenest.com, play softball, hang out with my brothers and sisters, and shop!

I am creating this blog because I feel like I need to express things that I have been feeling lately. My husband and I have a HUGE life change ahead of us and we also have some obstacles that may get in the way.
About 7 months ago, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. For those of you who don't know what this is, textbook definition is: a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (the endometrial stroma and glands, which should only be located inside the uterus) is found elsewhere in the body. What I tell people is that I have little chocolate cysts growing everywhere in my uterus, causing scar tissue which is causing adhesions, and causing some of my organs to fuse together.

What I don't usually tell other people is that it causes horrible pelvic pain, but doesn't limit itself to the pelvis. It runs up one side of my body and down the other side sometimes. It causes attacks of my ovaries, where fluid is released from cysts and is like poisin in your body, you can breathe and the pain is something you could never know unless you experienced it yourself.

Because of it, I have what others know as a bad case of IBS. Sitting on the toilet feeling like you are going to die, a bag for vomit in one hand and a cold compress for your forehead so that you don't pass out.Endometriosis causes depression and worst of all, it causes infertility.

What I'm hoping is that someone who thinks they may have endo or wants to know more about it, will see my blog. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 24. Doctors appointments after doctors appointments, they kept telling me, "it's just a bad period", they are just bad cramps. I was put on 1000mg ibuprofen and basically told to deal with it.

When I was 17, I had to be rushed to the hospital because I had collapsed due to a cyst on my ovary. When I got to the hospital, they did an ultrasound and said that it was just a cyst and that it would go away. Little did I know, this cyst was filled with endo, something that could have been kept at bay at 17 and if I would've known, I would probably not be going to see a fertility specialist (RE) on July 12th. I've had mulitple attacks where I have had to stay home from work and school, and become more depressed because I didn't know what was going on with my body and nobody could explain it.

Since November of 2006, I've had two laproscopies. The first one was to take a 10cm tumor off from my right ovary.....it was filled with Endo. The second part of this lap was to diagnose me with stage 3 to 4 endo. The doctor said that I must've been in a lot of pain......finally!!!! Someone believed me!!! My ob/gyn put me on lupron to supress the affects of endo and also had side effects much like the ones menopause causes, not really ready schoolwise and living quarters wise to have a baby (which was one of the options the doctor gave me, Adam and I decided this would be best for me and us. 4 months later, in March, the pain was back in my right ovary, shooting pains, bad bowel movements, yada yada, not to mention the fact that the side effects of the lupron were just awful. I went in for another lap on April 9th 2007 and they found that my left fallopian tube was blocked with scar tissue and endo and they took part of my right ovary out. At this point, the gynocologist said it was about a 20% chance of me getting pregnant naturally.

Invetro Fertilization is a process where an egg and a sperm are combined out of the body and inseminated in the uterus. This is something that would work for me, but under our insurance isn't covered. So Adam and I decided with the advice of our doctor to stay on the lupron until we meet with the RE on July 12th.Two weeks ago, I found out that my work covers IVF (invetro fertilization), but for some reason, it's not considered a "life change" and I cannot switch to their insurance coverage until January of 2008.

At that point, I decided that after 7 months of being on lupron, I'm going to come off from it. I can't take the side effects anymore and I'm an emotional wreck. So, we are going to start trying naturally in about 2 weeks-6 weeks, whenever my body decides to take over and ovulate after being on the lupron which supressed my uterus for 7 months.

I'm sorry if some of this was boring, I promise to keep it more interesting than this in the future and try to update as much as I can!!:)